I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
