Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Sober January is a disaster.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
