dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
