Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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