Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
