I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
