did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
