If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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