i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
