I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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