Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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