So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
