Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
