So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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