Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
