Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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