I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
