I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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