Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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