I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
