That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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