youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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