I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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