Cold hands, warm shart.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
