I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
