nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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