I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
