ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
