Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
