god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
