grandma shit on top of the toilet
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
