Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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