If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
