So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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