Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
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think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
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I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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