do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.