saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.