I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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