fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.