and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.