you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
