she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Randomize
