Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
