he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
