Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
