His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
