you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
