On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
