I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old