i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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