All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
