i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
