What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
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