Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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