You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
