and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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