you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
