I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
