I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
