i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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