We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
