Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
