Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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