Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
