Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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